February 21 2025

CLAUDIU: A few updates:

This led to an absolute blast of an exciting time. I experienced it like being really on the adventure of a lifetime. I had visions like I was going through a catacomb, heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword – that was the level of excitement I felt – and far more safely because I could do it all from just sitting in my house!

VINEETO: Hi Claudiu,

You say you “suddenly ‘got’ it” that “I will actually do this” … and then proceed with a ‘game’ created by “visions”, “heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword”. I can’t really make sense of it.

In my experience, becoming actually free is the opposite of a fight, it is full acquiescence of all of your ‘being’ to become extinct because at that point there is only one choice. When all of ‘me’ agrees that there is only one choice there is no inner division of one part of ‘me’ fighting another part.

CLAUDIU: This brought out a naive exuberance that was really a ton of fun. This had an effect in all my dealings and doings with others, and went well, up until in the late evening there developed an irritated/ annoyed/ frustrated atmosphere having to do with working together to move some furniture around. The naivete gave way to being annoyed and feeling like I was unfairly offended-against.

Today I still feel the after-effects of such aggression, and now I am contemplating on how to beneficially use this passionate energy of this instinctual passion. ‘How’ to passionately use the aggressive energy towards my aim?

VINEETO: I would have called it resentment rather than full aggression – you were interrupted in your vision-created game of “heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword” and called upon to do something so mundane as moving furniture around. But then you had some useful insights nevertheless.

CLAUDIU: A lot of it just seems to do with sitting with and seeing it for what it is. For a brief spell I was worried that the fact of me feeling aggression would somehow disqualify me from succeeding. Like, what do I do about this? But then I saw with clear seeing what had happened: the instinctual passion of aggression happens first, then on top of this the passion swirls into a ‘me’ that is a ‘who’ which is who ‘I’ am, who is aggressive and at times nurture this aggression to ‘my’ bosom. But this ‘who’ is not set in stone. Actually what it ‘really’ is is ‘just’ an underlying feeling of aggression. This clear seeing is remarkably refreshing and removes any moral weight from it (as in I am a ‘bad’ person for feeling this way). And then I see it’s actually just a choice whether to continue being aggressive or not. And now I see that feeling this way or that does not disqualify me in any way, nor actually change what I want, which is to succeed for the benefit of this body & every body. And it being for the benefit of others as well is really a crucial component, it ‘locks in’ the significance of what I do and automatically orients me in a more sensible direction.

VINEETO: Excellent. Can you see that what you want is to liberate both others and yourself from this very real and destructive feeling of aggression, not to mention the bad mood it comes with? The passionate energy which can be harnessed could be an increased determination not to chicken out (at least that is what ‘Vineeto’ took away from it).

‘Vineeto’: Besides physical attack, aggression has many more subtle nuances: blaming, resentment, verbal abuse, nagging, boredom, being the victim, arrogance, clever-clever, competition, self-destruction and revenge. I made use of this instinct for becoming free as a bloody-mindedness, persistence, not to ‘let the buggers get me down’ and refusal to run with the crowd. (Actualism, Vineeto, Actual Freedom List, Alan-b, 30.3.1999)

So I think I answered my own question while typing it out lol, and now a familiar joy, lightness of being, and exuberance is rising yet again.

So you did!

CLAUDIU: Really funny thing just now. I see now that … I can literally just choose self-sacrifice! Like, self-sacrifice is an option that I can just pick.

Somehow I did not really realize this before. I thought I had to do it in some round-about way where because I am intrinsically self-centred I can’t really directly choose self-sacrifice. Which just amounts to trying to trick myself into it lol.

But it’s one of the options available to me! I can literally just pick it lol.

VINEETO: I do wonder – was this an apperceptive seeing or a mere thought – as in “to be or not to be that is the question”? If self-sacrifice is a genuine option, my question is what is stopping you now?

CLAUDIU: I think I am still missing some step between the instinctual passion of aggression and:

Vineeto: You see, in whatever form the instinctual passion is happening, be they desire, nurture (compassion/passionate caring) or fear, you need to fully feel and embrace your ‘being’ and fully experienced it as what ‘you’ are in order to be harnessed and channelled for your goal, else any attempt to ‘self’-immolate will be still-born or evade side-ways.

and

Vineeto: Again, ‘I’ will not agree to become extinct because it’s a sensible idea or because the alternative is “ultimately dissatisfying”. ‘I’ need to be fully and passionately on board and for that ‘I’, the passionate ‘me’ as well as the sensible ‘me’ need to take part in the final decision as a passionately felt decision. (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Claudiu4, 18 February 2025a)

Richard’s report of sitting with it seems apt with minor modifications only, so I will go on this direction, e.g. instead of ‘fear’ it would be ‘aggression’ because I do really want to know, once and for all, what this aggression is which drives human beings for millennia into the horrible things we get up to on a regular basis on a global scale.

VINEETO: I am fascinated what you are going to report.

Cheers Vineeto

February 22 2025

CLAUDIU: Hi Vineeto,

Vineeto: You say you “suddenly ‘got’ it” that “I will actually do this” … and then proceed with a ‘game’ created by “visions”, “heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword”. I can’t really make sense of it. (Actualism, Vineeto, Actual Freedom List, Alan-b, 30.3.1999)

CLAUDIU: It was like I had a feeling of excitement of going on an adventure, the thrill of the adventure of it. Richard wrote: “It is the adventure of a lifetime to embark upon a voyage of exploration and discovery; to not only seek but to find.” I was experiencing it like an exuberant thrill of going on an adventure – which thrill I experienced as visions of “going through a catacomb, heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword”. Maybe it is a male thing, I played a lot of video games as a kid where you control a character doing just that. Srinath wrote this in his report of becoming free: 

Srinath: “Richard had said that I needed to want it like nothing before. I pondered on what I had wanted before and recalled a simple childhood memory of being excited about going to the swimming pool when I was about 10 years old. There was this completely sincere and thrilling ‘jumping out of my skin’ desire to get in the pool. I was beginning to feel a similarly sincere thirst for oblivion.” (Srinath Report of Becoming Free).

I experienced it like this level of excitement. I would just say it presented to me as this skeleton-fighting-adventure. It was not that I would be fighting myself to ‘win’ or succeed at this adventure, rather it was the feeling of excitement.

VINEETO: Hi Claudiu,

Thank you for your precise responses on all my questions. I have a much clearer understanding now from your descriptions how you are at present and it all makes sense.

*

Vineeto: I would have called it resentment rather than full aggression – you were interrupted in your vision-created game of “heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword” and called upon to do something so mundane as moving furniture around. (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Claudiu5, 21 February 2025)

CLAUDIU: I see why you read it that way but the situation was a bit different. That vision was brief, then I went to the office to have a meeting, where I had a meeting with that same set of people the day before, but this time it was much more fun, I was being much more naive. When I came home, there was furniture that needed moving. It had needed moving for some weeks, and it was impeding our lives, so I applied my naive exuberance to the task, coaxing the other to get into it by saying well let’s just start by moving this one little piece here… it was proceeding well but then I perceived the other as starting to feel frustrated at the physical movements of it, we weren’t working well together, eventually I felt like the frustration became directed at me rather than the situation, and it ‘got’ to me, I felt bothered, and like it was unfair, here I was applying myself to solve a problem in a fun and naive way, and the response was frustration and annoyance directed at me.

That being said I see resentment is a better descriptor than full aggression. I actually did not realize resentment was on the ‘aggressive’ scale of the instinctual passions … maybe I should have by now?? Lol, woops.

VINEETO: It seems not to matter now because you gained more insight into the aggressive aspect of the instinctual passions. Your co-workers would have also contributed with resentful/ angry vibes to the way you felt.

Vineeto: The passionate energy which can be harnessed could be an increased determination not to chicken out (at least that is what ‘Vineeto’ took away from it). (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Claudiu5, 21 February 2025)

‘Vineeto’: Besides physical attack, aggression has many more subtle nuances: blaming, resentment, verbal abuse, nagging, boredom, being the victim, arrogance, clever-clever, competition, self-destruction and revenge. I made use of this instinct for becoming free as a bloody-mindedness, persistence, not to ‘let the buggers get me down’ and refusal to run with the crowd. (Actualism, Vineeto, Actual Freedom List, Alan-b, 30.3.1999)

CLAUDIU: Thank you for sharing this experiential report of how to effectively use the passion of aggression. It is well-noted.

VINEETO: You are welcome. Even though the correspondence was from 1999 when ‘Vineeto’ was still in the process of making sense of actualism, it indicates the intent to use, instead of pushing aside, any feeling or passion which arose for the purpose of ‘her’ final goal.

*

Vineeto: I do wonder – was this an apperceptive seeing or a mere thought – as in “to be or not to be that is the question”? If self-sacrifice is a genuine option, my question is what is stopping you now? (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Claudiu5, 21 February 2025)

CLAUDIU: It was such that my experience dramatically transformed to where I was far more aware of and recipient to pure intent, i.e. I had actually experientially turned towards the path of self-sacrifice. And I saw that it was a choice that I can do that! I don’t have to wait for a magic trick to happen or whatnot.

So it’s not that I saw it was a choice I can end it all right now this instant (I don’t see this choice yet) but I saw the choice to go onto the path towards that.

VINEETO: Excellent. Your description that “I was far more aware of and recipient to pure intent” points to it being more of clear seeing rather than a mere thought. I see you are inching forward to make “self-sacrifice” as actual as possible.

CLAUDIU: What is stopping me now is… naught but the latest objection. Which I do not see clearly yet. However I am getting better at detecting how ‘I’ squirm out of seeing it. And applying bloody-minded stubbornness to see what it is. I see that it’s literally a matter of, I just have to look and see what it is!! Like there’s nothing really special about it. Just actually get to the bottom of it. This is wonderful because my personality naturally gravitates towards really wanting to get to the actual full bottom and understanding of whatever it is. So works out nicely :)) (…)

VINEETO: It appears you have an open question with the potential of giving you the seminal answer.

CLAUDIU: So far the most stunning thing was in seeing how I am the very source of violence itself!! Like it is where violence comes from. That’s how I felt it at the time – writing it now it’s more accurate to say it’s the source of feelings of aggression and malice rather than physical violence per se. But of course the former begets the latter.

There is indeed no way that I could ever clean myself up enough to ‘remove’ that somehow. I am literally the source of it!! It is me, I am this aggression. What you wrote is very apt:

Vineeto: Can you see that what you want is to liberate both others and yourself from this very real and destructive feeling of aggression, not to mention the bad mood it comes with? (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Claudiu5, 21 February 2025)

This really makes it directly evident how self-immolating is for the benefit not only of this body but every body.

These explorations are very deep! It feels very raw. It is much more passionate than before. It seems I was holding myself back from going to these depths before. That is good, now I know better where the next steps are. Whatever it takes, I will get there.

VINEETO: It is wonderful to read, Claudiu.

Perhaps your last objection will become apparent and disappear upon seeing when you find out (as I said to Kuba ) – who or what do you want to give all of ‘yourself’ to? – as an equally open question.

Cheers Vineeto

February 22 2025

Claudiu: What is stopping me now is… naught but the latest objection. Which I do not see clearly yet.

CLAUDIU: It is odd, I feel the same as in the past when I was super driven at work. In other words I feel driven — but it’s as if there is a drive without any object to it. Or at least I don’t know the object of the drive. It certainly feels strange… I will get to the bottom of it tho!!

VINEETO: You don’t need any object – extinction is not an object, lol. Don’t let any mental searching or doubt disrupt this wonderful momentum towards your destiny. Richard describes this thrilling momentum in many places –

Richard: What ‘I’ do, voluntarily and intentionally (cheerfully and blessedly), is press the button which precipitates a, oft-times alarming but always thrilling, momentum which will result in ‘my’ irrevocable ‘self’-immolation in toto. What one does is that one dedicates oneself to the challenge of being just here, right now, as the universe’s experience of itself ... peace-on-earth is the inevitable result because it is already always existing (‘I’ was merely standing in the way of it being apparent).

The act of initiating this ‘process’ is altruism, pure and simple: it is a rather curious decision – a decision the likes of which has never been made before nor will ever be made again – that it is imperative it be ‘me’ who will evince the final and complete condition which will deliver the goods so longed for by humanity for millennia ... whereupon that thrilling momentum takes over and one realises one has embarked already (and once that impetus gets going one cannot ‘un-set’ the pace).

There is no pulling back – which is why most people do not want to set it in motion – because once one has started one cannot stop. It is a one-way trip – that is the thrilling part of it – and with application and diligence and patience and perseverance, born out of the pure intent garnered from the PCE, the exposure of the inner workings of one’s psyche (which is the human psyche) will readily occur in the course of everyday events due to ‘my’ concurrence ... one cannot help but become fascinated for this means the end of the predicament which humankind has been agonising over for aeons.

Any reluctance to become fascinated is because of the ‘no turning back’ aspect. [Emphases added]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 60, 3 December 2003).

It’s indeed the ride of a life-time.

Cheers Vineeto

February 22 2025

VINEETO: Hi Claudiu,

I remember ‘Vineeto’s’ momentum in ‘her’ last days in late December 2009 which I haven’t written down so far –

‘Peter’ and ‘Vineeto’ had planned for a xmas holiday two-three weeks to spend in the remote wilderness of the Bungawalbin river, and set out in the houseboat to travel the 2-day journey. ‘Vineeto’ sat on the bow deck while ‘Peter’ steered, full of exuberance and anticipation because ‘she’ knew that ‘it’ was going to happen there and then – there was utter certainty that ‘her’ days were numbered and utter confidence that now the long period of searching and investigating and procrastinating was over. The whole boat journey of that day was an utter delight, full of joyous anticipation.

Richard hadn’t been sure if he would join us because he was residing in the river of the nearby town where he had met [Respondent No. 4 (D)] and planned to go back to the wharf in order to meet Tarin who in a few days was due for a visit. But ‘Vineeto’ was nevertheless confident that Richard would join them, in ‘her’ mind Richard’s company was vital to safely guide her in ‘her’ last moments.

‘Peter’ had anchored the houseboat overnight about the two-thirds of the journey and while ‘we’ were talking and frolicking ‘Peter’ heard a boat coming and urged ‘Vineeto’ to put on some clothes. But ‘she’ laughed and said with utter surety, “don’t worry, that’s Richard”. And it was! Richard had changed his mind and had travelled most of the night. When he had woken after a few hours of sleep he didn’t know which way the tide had turned the boat – north or south – so he had to use the stars to navigate (a skill acquired during his military service). It was a great meeting and an hour later we set off to the planned spot at the navigable end of the river, deep in the rainforest wilderness.

I never forget that journey or the days which followed prior to ‘Vineeto’s’ final release – it was the best time of ‘her’ life and the whole time it was filled with this utter exuberant surety that ‘her’ end was imminent. This surety even operated during the 2-3 out-of-control days, which served well to elucidate that ‘she’ was ready to give up anything and everything ‘she’ had valued, for ‘her’ ultimate destiny. (Well, in practical terms it wasn’t as radical as imagined).

And the rest is history.

Cheers Vineeto

March 3 2025

CLAUDIU: Brief update: I found that what really works to cut through any possible complications or hurdles or obstacles or whatnot, is seeing that I actually deep down do want this, to self-immolate, more than anything else!

In other words it isn’t a desire I have to conjure up or manufacture or get myself on board or whatnot. At the root, underneath it all – I do actually want this. This immediately orients me towards enabling just that to happen. All my passions line up for this purpose – aggressively pursuing it, desiring it above all, thrillingly going into it, for the benefit of this body and every body. It feels like endless layers of ‘me’ just slough off in a sense in the face of this unified sincerity. This really appears to be key, placing it as the absolute highest priority above anything else, nothing else even coming a remote second.

VINEETO: Hi Claudiu,

I like this – “this unified sincerity”, “placing it as the absolute highest priority above anything else, nothing else even coming a remote second.” This is exactly what is meant by –

CLAUDIU: Going for intimacy has been really beneficial as well as it automatically orients me to something outside of myself (other people) and makes the target much clearer.

And then I thought to contrast this with regular feeling-being experience, and now suddenly ‘I’ was ‘me’, experiencing the rock through ‘my’ senses – an immediately recognized shift, although again no discernible gap (very interesting!)

VINEETO: Fascinating how it works! And yet, only when you are in the “regular feeling-being experience” can you actively and actually move towards this “unified” goal, “the absolute highest priority above anything else”. Isn’t that cause for celebrating, savouring, enjoying your “regular feeling-being experience”, interspersed with bona-fide PCEs to confirm that this is what you actually want?

CLAUDIU: Following it was a common after-effect I’ve had after PCEs in the past sometimes, a feeling of… I don’t know exactly how to put it, but a negative feeling for sure. It had something to do with the comparing of ‘me’ the feeling-being vs how actual Claudiu was experiencing himself. I realized this was a ripe avenue of contemplation – what indeed, is this feeling about?

VINEETO: Isn’t it obvious, even without deep contemplation, that second best is not as good as best?

CLAUDIU: I saw that it has to do with ‘me’ viscerally knowing that ‘I’ was indeed completely absent, and, everything was far better off without ‘me’. In other words, not only am ‘I’ completely unneeded and superfluous, but ‘I’ actually make everything worse… and through much pain and striving (as ‘I’ experience it) and burden, too! In other words ‘I’ put in all this effort and it is seen to actually be for nothing at all.

Then I realized just how very strange it was for this to be a negative feeling! I saw there’s really two components to it, one is the above, and the other is seeing that ‘I’ have to really go away, go extinct, ‘die’, in order for that to be the permanent experience. But all of this actually readily coincides with that deep-down desire, for extinction! The fact that ‘I’ am superfluous and it is better without ‘me’ is wonderful news because it means nothing will be lost. And that ‘I’ have to die for it to happen – well that is the whole point haha.

VINEETO: Having read yours and Kuba’s posts, both on the theme of ‘I’ am an illusion, and how this perception is being used to confuse you in your case, and to trick you in Kuba’s example, perhaps it is apt to mention that Santa Claus never had the opportunity to either believe nor regret that ‘he’ is only an illusion. He simply disappeared when you stopped believing in him. Only I, the actual flesh-and-blood body know by experience with utter confidence, that ‘I’ or ‘me’ never existed.

‘I’ am real, very real, as long as ‘I’ am a passionate entity hijacking and controlling the actual flesh body. Thinking that ‘I’ am an illusion while ‘I’ am in existence is to transfer information gained from apperceptive seeing during a PCE into the passionate realm of ‘me’ – what Richard calls from “3D-stunning” to “one-dimensional thought” in his correspondence about “utter fullness”. (Richard, List B, No. 25e, 16 June 2000).

CLAUDIU: I would say it seems I have not fully come to terms with it yet as if I did it would all be wondrous fuel for the fire, but, something about seeing it so distinctly still has hit ‘me’ in a way…

VINEETO: You will get used to it, and then you will be able to embrace it and welcome it.

CLAUDIU: The other overall thing I’ve noticed is that my experience is basically the same since going out-from-control, there is no shift into or out of it, and I distinctly experience it as different from ‘normal’. There is never any decision to make whether to self-immolate, it has already always been made. I would say it seems that when some issue comes up, I can feel like I am experiencing myself like I would in the past, but this is always seen to be a chimera, sort of a ‘pretend’ forming myself back into that way of experiencing. I have wondered if it’s just always been like this my whole life and I never noticed haha, but there was a distinct difference after going out-from-control so I would have to say it wasn’t. In other words it’s not just an intellectual re-framing of experience or whatnot, the experience is actually different.

VINEETO: There is something different now, as you just reported, from when you first went out-from-control – there is “this unified sincerity”, “placing it as the absolute highest priority above anything else, nothing else even coming a remote second.”

Cheers Vineeto

March 7 2025

CLAUDIU: It has really struck me and dawned on me experientially that I am nothing but feelings.

And as I sat and contemplated about it yesterday I realized that this is literally who I am, I am these feelings, in this case the driven feelings. I am just one feeling after another, this is it, there’s no me that is separate or different from the feelings, no me at the center. In other words it is only an illusion that there is a me different from the feelings – I know you wrote, Vineeto, that this is confusing me but I’m not sure entirely how it is the case?

VINEETO: Hi Claudiu,

“That I am nothing but feelings” is a useful experiential insight – usually people experience themselves as one feeling or the other and when the feeling is strong and persistent they say there is ‘nothing but sadness’ or ‘nothing but love’, yet without the full recognition that ‘I’ am indeed nothing but my feelings and my feelings are ‘me’. It’s also the very recognition that allows the choice from being sadness, for instance, to being felicity.

CLAUDIU: It’s different than in the PCE of course, in the PCE there just never was a ‘me’ in the first place. I do feel myself to exist now, but I am seeing that I’m just the feelings one after the other, nothing besides this. It is taking a bit of time for it to sink in but I can already see the benefit, there is nothing really at stake if I am nothing other than these feelings. Another way to put it is everything is at stake, these feelings is all that I am haha… but what I mean is it seems it will become more clear that nothing of value will disappear when I disappear, no one will die, it will only be an illusory death, so there is more confidence to proceed (have to go with where I am at even though in the PCE it was all perfectly clear to actual Claudiu lol).

VINEETO: It was only a suggestion of mine to watch out to not inadvertently “transfer information gained from apperceptive seeing during a PCE into the passionate realm of ‘me’ – what Richard calls from “3D-stunning” to “one-dimensional thought” in his correspondence about “utter fullness””. (Richard, List B, No. 25e, 16 June 2000).

Even though you say that “there is nothing really at stake”, “nothing of value will disappear”, “no one will die” and “it will only be an illusory death”, this evaluation is not sufficient for self-immolation to eventuate.

These passions are nevertheless your very survival passions –

Richard: … it is the instinct for survival that got you and me and every other body here in the first place. We peoples living today are the end-point of myriads of survivors passing on their genes ... we are the product of the ‘success story’ of fear and aggression and nurture and desire. Is one really going to abandon that which produced one ... that which (apparently) keeps one alive?

Do you recall those conversations we had about loyalty (familial and group loyalty) back when you and I first met ... and what was required to crack that code?
That was chicken-feed compared with this one. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, Vineeto, 30 September 1999).

Only altruism (survival of the species) is the more powerful instinct to overcome selfism (survival of self) – and even a “nothing of value” self passionately wants to survive –

Richard: Speaking personally from experience, eventually – and ultimately – all the instincts are undone instantly via psychological and psychic ‘self’-sacrifice. This is, purely and simply, altruism at its very best ... and altruism’s energy is an instinctual passion (this is indeed hoisting oneself by one’s bootstraps ... writ large). However, until the initiation of the process that leads to ‘self’-immolation is consciously triggered – whereupon the ending of ‘me’ happens of its own accord – one can become acutely aware of the operation of the instinctual passions as they are experienced moment-to-moment. It is but the same ‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive?’ investigation of beliefs and feelings ... only extended deeper into one’s psyche. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, Mark, 18 May 1999).

CLAUDIU: The upshot is I can fuel all this powerful and passionate affective energy into the propitious direction towards felicity and naiveté. Instead of trying to stop or calm down this drive, it’s more about redirecting this same energy with equal (or even more) potency into being felicitous and naive, this is clear now.

VINEETO: Yes, and this is wonderful.

Now the only (open) question remains – who or what do you want to give all of ‘yourself’ to?

Cheers Vineeto

Freedom from the Human Condition – Happy and Harmless

Vineeto’s & Richard’s Text ©The Actual Freedom Trust: 1997-. All Rights Reserved.